Bumper stickers

Sleep

~ Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
~ Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee

Busy

~ Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time

Death

~ Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die
~ The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
~ Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
~ Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~ Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Food & Drink

~ I drive way too fast to worry about cholestrol
~ Vegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats.
~ Life is like a box of chocolates ... full of nuts!
~ Death Before Dishonor Nothing Before Coffee

Getting Old

~ Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
~ Get even. Live long enough to be a problem to your children
~ Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Impossible

~ Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it
~ Indecision is the key to flexibility.
~ Reality is the leading cause of stress
~ Panic now and avoid the rush
~ When the going gets tough, everybody leaves
~ The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Life

~ Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
~ We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
~ Some days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant
~ If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes
~ If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane
~ Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Memory

~ Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
~ I finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it

Stupidity

~ Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
~ Time flies when you don't know what you're doing

Success / Failure

~ If all else fails … lower your standards
~ If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you
~ The best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass!

Misc

~ You've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares
~ Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
~ There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.